Mononoke's cuts
by Togusa
Summary: Nice movie... But... Was filming it THAT nice? Miyazaki knows... Now, you too can know.


MONONOKE CUTS. All they didn't want you to know...  
  
  
[Standard disclaimer]  
Hi, lawyers. I'm using Mononoke's script and characters  
without expressed authorization, and I still would do it even if they would  
give it to me.  
I don't own Mononoke, but I'd be pretty proud if I did.  
[/Standard disclaimer]  
  
Hi there. These are some screwed ideas I had while watching the tape by  
nth time. I hope you enjoy it. Please, Read and Review!!  
  
;-)  
  
=====================================  
[Staff area. Hayao Miyazaki ( 'Zaki for friends ) is directing MONONOKE.  
Or trying to do so. With him there are Joe Hisashi, music composer, and  
Yoshikazu Mera, singer]  
  
[Outside Iron Town. Yakul is carrying both ASHITAKA and SAN, followed  
closely by the minor wolves. SAN recovers and ASHITAKA falls...]  
  
[One of the wolves turns and takes ASHITAKA's head]  
  
SAN: WAIT! HE'S MINE!  
  
[Gets down of Yakul and walks to ASHITAKA]  
  
SAN: His own people fired on him...  
  
[SAN crouches next to ASHITAKA]  
  
SAN: Why did you keep me from killing her !? SPEAK WHILE YOU CAN!  
  
ASHITAKA: I... was just trying... to keep them from killing... you...  
  
SAN: I don't mind dying as long as I can keep humans away from the  
forest!  
  
[Grabs ASHITAKA's sword and places it on his neck]  
  
SAN: I should kill you...  
  
[ASHITAKA opens his eyes, and stares briefly at her...]  
  
ASHITAKA: You're beautiful.  
  
[SAN simply chopps his head off.]  
  
[Front view. SAN still holding ASHITAKA's sword, her arms crossed over  
her chest, frowning, and with a foot over ASHITAKA's body. ASHITAKA's  
head rolls over to the front of the camera]  
  
SAN: THAT'S FUCKIN' OUT OF THE QUESTION, YOU ASSHOLE !!  
  
ASHITAKA'S HEAD: AND KINDA WRONG TOO, YOU DAMN SLUT !!  
  
[Staff area. Everybody's laughin' but 'Zaki, who buries his face in his  
hands, desperate]  
  
'ZAKI: Oh no, EVERYDAY like this... Sigh.  
  
[Gets up from his chair, reaches the phone and starts dialing]  
  
MERA: What are you doin' ?  
  
'ZAKI: I'm calling the local yakuza. They've been fans of my anime since  
kids. They'll wipe away the body...  
  
MERA: Oh.  
  
[A black limousine with dark windows appears. Two men in black  
suits and sunglasses get ASHITAKA in the trunk and then go away]  
  
'Zaki (finally hangin' the phone): "I'm not doing anymore films LIKE THIS..."  
  
  
====================================  
=====================================  
  
[EBOSHI & GONZA, after they fired the minor wolves away]  
  
GONZA: These were them? They ain't that big.  
  
EBOSHI: These were the cubs. Wait to see the mother.  
  
[Up the hill, MORO descends and jumps all over the oxen and the men]  
  
EBOSHI: It's MORON!  
  
[MORO launches forward, and EBOSHI fires. However, MORO steps over GONZA and  
pushes EBOSHI with her down the cliff.]  
  
EBOSHI: W-wait!! The script...!  
  
MORO: OH, YEAH. THE SCRIPT. I'M FUCKING SICK ABOUT THAT JOKE WITH MY NAME,  
Y'KNOW IT? NOW YOU'RE GONNA BE THE EXAMPLEEEEeeeeee!!!  
  
EBOSHI: Aaaaaahhhhh----  
  
[Staff area. ZAKI buries his face in his hands again.]  
  
MERA: What do I sing here?  
  
[HISASHI punches his head softly]  
  
MERA: Ouch.  
  
ZAKI: "I'm not doing any more films LIKE THIS."  
  
=============================  
=============================  
  
[SAN stands on the top of the roof, defiantly. Finally levels up her knife  
and charges forward]  
  
ASHITAKA: NO! (Tries to intercept her but fails due to the gunfire)  
  
[SAN rolls down on the roof half unconscious. ASHITAKA tries to break  
off a wooden beam from the roof]  
  
CROWD: We've hit her!  
  
EBOSHI: WAIT! When you kill a wolf, it's head can still bite you. Ready  
when she hits the ground!  
  
[SAN falls to the ground, getting up painfully]  
  
EBOSHI: FIRE!!  
  
[The bullet hits her in the face and leaves her unconscious]  
  
CROWD: YEAAAAAAHHHH!!  
  
ASHITAKA: DON'T COME ANY NEAR!!  
  
[He throws down the wooden post, and the crowd reels back. They fall  
speechless and gather around, mumbling. ASHITAKA is a little taken aback  
by their reaction, but goes on with the line...]  
  
ASHITAKA (approaching the bottom end of the roof): Uh ?  
  
[...to find out he's just impaled SAN to the ground with the improvised  
stake.]  
  
ASHITAKA: (folding his arms) Gee, you know the saying: "Not intending,  
then happening."  
  
SAN: Y-yyou asshole-e-eeeee...  
  
[Staff area. Everyone's stunned]  
  
'ZAKI: Sigh.  
  
[ASHITAKA gets down from the roof landing his feet over the piece of  
wood]  
  
ASHITAKA: Oh-my-god, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it. (Jumps again) Nor  
this (and again) nor this (and again, and again, and again...)  
  
[Staff area. MERA and HISASHI are in thunderous laughin. 'ZAKI is on the  
phone one more time.]  
  
ASHITAKA (voiceover): Here's your reward, you headchopping bastard.  
  
SAN (voiceover): I-it wasn't YOU bastar-d...  
  
ASHITAKA (voiceover): (realizing that) Oh. Well, anyway... (goes on  
jumpin')  
  
[A black limousine with dark windows appears. Two men in black  
suits and sunglasses get SAN in the trunk and then go away]  
  
'Zaki: "I'm not doing anymore films LIKE THIS"  
  
  
====================================  
=====================================  
  
  
[Iron Town. There's a crowd surrounding the two fighting women, yielding  
their weapons to keep SAN in the circle]  
  
[ASHITAKA throws off several men, making his way into the circle. Then  
blocks Eboshi's weapon and grabs SAN's armed hand.]  
  
EBOSHI: What are you doing, boy?  
  
ASHITAKA: Restrain yourself, the girl's life is mine.  
  
EBOSHI: Ha! She'll do a perfect wife for you!  
  
ASHITAKA: There's a demon in of you. It lives inside of you both.  
  
[SAN bites ASHITAKA's hand trying to get free. Tendrils appear around  
his arm, and SAN reels back, scared.]  
  
ASHITAKA: Now listen to me...  
  
[SAN simply stares at her trapped hand...]  
  
ASHITAKA: This is the image of the demon tha--  
  
[SAN simply passes the knife to her FREE hand and chopps his head off!]  
  
SAN: Gee, I'm not THAT dumb, damn it.  
  
[Everybody arround them bursts out laughing. San braces her ribs,  
in order to keep them from exploding. Eboshi places one foot over  
ASHITAKA's head, still laughing.]  
  
EBOSHI: Serves you right, eh macho?  
  
ASHITAKA'S HEAD: (laughin') Yep. Me and my discourses...  
  
[Staff area. Everybody keep themselves from laughing for respect to  
'Zaki sensei (but hardly), who has his face buried in his hands again.]  
  
'Zaki: Sigh. (levels up his face) C'mon, go ahead... (Everybody bursts  
out laughing, while he starts dialing again)  
  
SAN (voiceover): That's your payback, you Van Helsing son of a bitch.  
  
ASHITAKA (voiceover): Hey, it wasn't YOU.  
  
SAN (voiceover): (realizing that) Oh. Well. anyway...  
  
[A black limousine with dark windows appears. Two men in black  
suits and sunglasses get ASHITAKA in the trunk and then go away]  
  
ASHITAKA'S HEAD: Eeeyyy, I wanna come too!! Eeeey!  
  
'Zaki: "I'm not doing anymore films LIKE THIS"  
  
  
====================================  
=====================================  
  
  
[ASHITAKA holds both EBOSHI and SAN. He calls for someone to take  
EBOSHI, and some women approach and get her unconscious lady to rest.]  
  
ASHITAKA: Now I'm going, and I'll take the wolf girl with me.  
  
[One of the armed women aims him with her rifle, filled with anger]  
  
WOMAN WITH RIFLE: NO WAY!! No one treats lady Eboshi like this!!  
  
[ASHITAKA just stares at her calmly and emotionless]  
  
WOMAN WITH RIFLE: I-if you move, I'm gonna sh-shot you...  
  
[ASHITAKA stares at her a bit more; then calmly turns around and  
starts walking...]  
  
*BWAMMM!*  
  
[...and then his head blows up into pieces. His body stumbles forward  
knee-first. SAN rolls aside, and watches stunned.]  
  
WOMAN WITH RIFLE: (merrily) Told you so-ooo (everybody bursts out laughing)  
  
WOMAN FROM THE CROWD: (laughin') Oh my god, this macho believes himself to  
be Clint Eastwood... (ASHITAKA's headless body flips her off)  
  
[Staff area]  
  
'ZAKI: GODDAMNNYOUFUCKINSONOFABITCHES, IS THERE ANY HUMAN WAY TO GET THIS  
SCENE STRAIGHT, DAMNIT ??  
  
WOMAN WITH RIFLE (voiceover from the scene area): Sorry but you're too  
idealistic with the scripts, my friend. (Everybody laughs even harder)  
  
[Behind 'ZAKI, MERA and HISASHI fight to control themselves.]  
  
MERA (to HISASHI): What do I sing here?  
  
HISASHI (giggling): "Bullet with butterfly wings" from the Smashing  
Pumpkins, I guess... (both burst out laughin'. Finally, 'ZAKI joins them)  
  
'ZAKI: Dammit! Hate to say it, but I'm really gettin' used to this...  
  
[Walks to the phone and starts dialing again.]  
  
[Scene area. Everybody's still laughin'. San sits down on ASHITAKA's  
body, as if facing him.]  
  
SAN: That's the price for being the hero. (closes her eyes and smiles,  
visualizing...) Ahhh, I wish it was me... Really, so the director would  
be fully on my side. So I could just get a torch and catch fire on the roofs,  
and everybody burnin' down to the bones, and then the forest would be happy  
and... (realizes the sepulcral silence, and opens her eyes, staring around  
her.)  
  
CROWD: Grrrrrrrr  
  
SAN (reeling back): Uh, just kiddin'.  
  
CROWD: GET HERRRRR!!  
  
[They corner and surround her like vultures, putting their long bladed spears  
to good use back and forth]  
  
SAN: YYYIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
[A black limousine with dark windows appears. Two men in black  
suits and sunglasses get out. Then get in again and go away. Later  
they return, driving a van. Finally, they trash in both ASHITAKA and SAN  
and then DON'T go away]  
  
'ZAKI (hides his face in his hands): "I'm not doing anymore films LIKE  
THIS."  
  
  
====================================  
=====================================  
  
[OKOTO approaches the cliff, and stops at the border]  
  
BOAR #1 (offscreen): Pst! Hey! Hey buddy!  
  
OKOTO (seems impassive, but a bit taken aback): Uh?  
  
BOAR #2 (offscreen): You are two steps short.  
  
BOAR #3 (offscreen): Yeah.  
  
OKOTO (impassive, but stuttering in low voice) S-sorry...  
  
[He reaches forward, loses foot and rolls down the cliff]  
  
OKOTO: WAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh----  
  
BOARS (offscreeen): BWAAAAHAAAHAHAHAHAHHAA!! Poor oldie!! Bwahahah!!  
  
[Staff area. ZAKI crumples the script in his hand, his face red with  
anger. Behind him, MERA and HISASHI brace each other, fearful]  
  
***  
  
[Later. MORO and SAN. SAN covers her nose]  
  
SAN: It stinks and burns my eyes!  
  
[MORO frowns but smiles, and looks at her sidelong]  
  
MORO: The hell they do...!  
  
[Perspective widens, and we see the two of them standing beside a giant  
boar in an improvised grill (two trees and the boar impaled in an iron pipe)]  
  
MORO:... I won't give you my part, bitch!  
  
SAN (rolls down her eyes): Awwww..  
  
***  
  
[ASHITAKA covers his nose with his arm]  
  
ASHITAKA: ...Burned animal flesh!  
  
EBOSHI (offscreen): Very funny!!  
  
[Perspective widens, showing ASHITAKA and EBOSHI with a similar grill, but  
the boar is utterly burned. A blushed EBOSHI tries to cut off the burned meat  
with a knife, hoping to find something eatable under it.]  
  
ASHITAKA: ...Don't you even know how to do such a girlish thing as cooking?  
  
EBOSHI: Shut up!!  
  
ASHITAKA (narrows his eyes, amused): Tomboy...  
  
EBOSHI (showing him the knife): Eunuch!  
  
ASHITAKA (wide-eyed): O-okay, okay... (retreats slowly)  
  
***  
  
ZAKI: ...I never ate such a good meal LIKE THIS...  
  
=========================  
=========================  
  
[ASHITAKA's body is into the water, his head resting out on the shore of  
SHISHIGAMI's island.]  
  
SHISHIGAMI: ...  
  
[When he's near ASHITAKA and the cut sapling, he stops all of a sudden.  
His face tenses, as if he was fighting something. Then, finally relaxes,  
opening it widely and...]  
  
SHISHIGAMI: BBBUUUURRRPPPPPPPP!! (blechs)  
  
[ASHITAKA inmediately opens wide his eyes, and his face retorts]  
  
ASHITAKA: Aaaargh! Sonofabitch! (quickly swims offscreen).  
  
[SHISHIGAMI adopts a stupid smile. The sapling withers.]  
  
SHISHIGAMI: Sorry. Uh? (looks up)  
  
[Dead kodamas rain down]  
  
KODAMA #1: D-dude... W-What do yo eat??  
  
[Staff area. ZAKI writes down furiously in a notepad.]  
  
ZAKI: YES! WHAT A GREAT IDEA! (while he writes) "And...the...sapling...withers".  
(gets up and laughs triumphant) BWAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
[MERA & HISASHI look at each other]  
  
===========================  
===========================  
  
  
[The wolves face the boars...]  
  
MORO: Okoto. He will attend to reasons...  
  
[Okoto approaches ASHITAKA. SAN gets in between]  
  
SAN: NO! Wait! Please Great Okoto, don't eat him!  
  
[OKOTO faces SAN]  
  
OKOTO: Oooh, so... You're Moro's human daughter... I've heard a bit  
about you... Get aside, I won't eat him...  
  
SAN: Whew... (wipes her brow with her hand) Uh? (startled)  
  
OKOTO: *CHOMP* *GROMPFGROMPF* *CHOMPCHOMP*  
  
SAN: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!! OKOTO!!  
  
[Behind them, the boars are in thunderous laughin'. Moro has her left  
claw on her eyes, facing offscreen]  
  
MORO: Naive... (stiffled, hyena-like, laughter)  
  
'ZAKI: (Voice over) WHA DO YOU THINK A' YOU DOING YOU FATASS?????  
  
[OKOTO looks at the camera, bloody dripping.]  
  
OKOTO: (Raising an eyeybrow and imitating Cartman) Screw yah!! Ah want mah  
cheesy poofs!!  
  
[Everybody is laughin' now, even SAN]  
  
[Staff Area. Everybody is laughing hard. 'Zaki buries his face in his  
hands]  
  
ASHITAKA (voiceover): You fatass sonofabitch, spare me some lung to keep  
breathin', you bastarrrddd!!  
  
['ZAKI gets the phone and starts dialing again. One of the black suited  
yakuzas approaches him from behind.]  
  
MEN IN BLACK: Ahem.  
  
'ZAKI: Wow! So fast...  
  
MEN IN BLACK: Well, not really...  
  
[The two of them get ASHITAKA in the van and ZAKI goes back to work...  
That is, if they let him...]  
  
'ZAKI: " I'm not doing anymore films LIKE THIS... "  
  
  
=====================================  
=====================================  
  
  
[Cave scene. Outside. ASHITAKA walks out of the cave and looks.]  
  
MORO: Come on, boy. You can jump now and end with it quickly.  
  
[ASHITAKA turns around to face her]  
  
ASHITAKA: I feel as if I had slept whole weeks. I dreamed SAN was at my  
side, lookin' after me...  
  
MORO: She was just waiting for you to cry and then shut you up with a  
bite in your neck!  
  
ASHITAKA: (turns around) It's a beautiful f--  
  
[SAN comes out from the cave running and shoves him out to the cliff!]  
  
SAN: Nope, mother. I was just waiting for THIS. (sits down and starts  
laughin')  
  
MORO: ?? Oh my god...  
  
ASHITAKA: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh-- *splat*  
  
[We hear two shots, and SAN flies backward and falls to the ground]  
  
[Staff area. Everybody speechless. 'Zaki is holding a smoky shotgun.]  
  
'ZAKI: I'm not allowing this ANYMORE. EVERYONE BE WARNED!!!  
  
[Scene area. Both yakuzas enter the scene and take the corpse. MORO is  
scared out of her skin. The yakuzas begin to walk off the scene, then  
stop and look at each other and finally throw the corpse down the  
cliff.]  
  
[Staff Area]  
  
'ZAKI: "I'm not doing anymore films LIKE THIS..."  
  
  
====================================  
====================================  
  
  
[ASHITAKA, with the sword in his mouth, waits with face of boredom.]  
  
ZAKI (offscreen): ASHITAKA!  
  
[ASHITAKA quickly turns into attention, but the arrow passes by.]  
  
ZAKI (offscreen): ASHITAKA, PAY MORE ATTENTION!  
  
ASHITAKA (bored face): Yeah, yeah... Sigh.  
  
OFFSCREEN DISTANT VOICE #1: Ughk*!  
  
OFFSCREEN DISTANT VOICE #2: Ay! They killed Kenny!  
  
[ASHITAKA turns his head backwards]  
  
ASHITAKA: Uh?  
  
FX (arrow): *ZAK!*  
  
ASHITAKA: AAkkk* (falls down offscreen)  
  
OFFSCREEN DISTANT VOICE #3: You bastards!!  
  
ZAKI (offscreen): Serves you right!  
  
=============================  
=============================  
  
  
[ASHITAKA and one of the minor wolves are running side to side]  
  
WOLF: You're too slow. Hop on!  
  
[ASHITAKA climbs up on the wolf's back, and he starts running at full  
speed. Then, all of a sudden, he jumps, heading down to a rock...]  
  
*SPLAT*  
  
[...and literally STAMPS on it, very much Ranma-style]  
  
WOLF: Uuuuuhhhhhh...  
  
[They remain like this some more time. Finally ASHITAKA gets up  
painfully.]  
  
ASHITAKA (flipping the bird to the wolf) Serves you right, show-off.  
Ugh (painfully) I'll do the rest walking.  
  
WOLF: (muffled by the pain) H-h-h-elpppp.  
  
[Staff area. 'Zaki is hiding his face in his hands. The yakuzas start  
moving towards the scene.]  
  
'ZAKI: NO! Not the wolf.  
  
MERA: Oh, so kind with nature... (looks at 'Zaki hearty-eyed)  
  
'ZAKI: (to the yakuzas) There are few talking wolves nowadays, y'know...  
  
HISASHI: ...I knew it...  
  
====================================  
=====================================  
  
[ASHITAKA is facing one of Jiko's soldiers, at the place where they're  
burying the dead boars and humans...]  
  
ASHITAKA: Come on, tell me where she is!  
  
MEN FROM IRON TOWN (from behind): It's incredible! You're still alive, boy!  
  
ASHITAKA: Seems for you it's been worst than for me...  
  
MAN#1: We've been the whole day diggin' holes to bury down our friends.  
  
ASHITAKA: Were there wolves among the boars? The wolf girl was there??  
  
MAN#1: Uh, dunno, it was very dark when the animals attacked...  
  
MAN#3 (down, crouched near the corpses): Yes she was.  
  
[Everybody turns to him]  
  
MAN#3: I was in first line and saw it perfectly clear. She was right  
there. Oh my god, it was terrible! They d-didn't tell us about the  
ground mines, nor the dead animals that would fall down at us. They  
didn't tell us about where were we goin', nor about the landmines, nor  
the constant fire, or the diseases. OH MY GOD THEY KILLED CHARLIE!  
Hell, it was hell! Trying to keep ourselves alive, no food, no  
ammounition, my god they killed Charlie, I couldn't feel my legs!  
Thousands of dollars at our accounts, but after all that none wants us  
back, OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! It's not my war, it's not my war, colonel  
Truman!  
  
MAN#2: (shakin' him violently) IT'S OVER! IT'S OVER, CAN YE HEAR ME?  
THE MISSION IS OVER! IT'S OVER, RAMBO!  
  
'ZAKI (voiceover): CUT! You, assholes, go back to learnin' your lines!!  
  
MEN #2 AND #3: Uh, sorry... Improvising a bit, I guess...  
  
'ZAKI (scornfully): IMPROVISING? (lookin' around) Uh, ASHITAKA?  
ASHITAKA! ASHITAKAAAAAA!!!  
  
[Emishi Village]  
  
KAYA: Uh? BROTHER?!  
  
ASHITAKA: Uh, hi. I'm back. Still cursed, tough, but I'm back. Don't ask  
me why...  
  
[A black limousine with dark windows appears. Two men in black  
suits and sunglasses get ASHITAKA in the car and then go away]  
  
'ZAKI: "I'm not doing anymore films LIKE THIS..."  
  
  
====================================  
=====================================  
  
[The men of Iron Town knoc down Jiko's soldiers and rush down the slope  
to help ASHITAKA.]  
  
MAN #1: Come on, all together!  
  
ALL: YIA-AAAH (they lift the boar) YIA-AAAH (a bit more) YIA- *  
  
FX (siren).  
  
FEMENINE MEGAPHONY VOICE: It's seven o'clock. The shift is over. Thank you.  
  
MAN #1 (with tense face): Oh. (his face lightens up) At last!  
  
[They all drop the boar and rush offscreen]  
  
ASHITAKA: Argh!  
  
MAN #1 (offscreen): What a long day!  
  
MAN #2 (offscreen, further): We're taking some beers at MOE's. Wanna come?  
  
MAN #1 (offscreen, further): Sorry. My wife is having a child tonight.  
  
MAN #3 (offscreen, further): Is a he or a she?  
  
MAN #1 (offscreen, further): Dunno. In nine months I tell you.  
  
FARAWAY CROWD: BWAHAhahahahha---  
  
[Staff area. ZAKI, MERA, HISASHI and the camera men are stunned. The place  
is a mess.]  
  
ZAKI: Next time I'll hire only chinese extras.  
  
MERA: Umm. And the syndicate?  
  
ZAKI: Fuck the syndicate. (A moments pass by...) AAAHH!! DON'T DIE!!  
(rushes towards the scene area, to the dead boar)  
  
STAFF (rushing towards the scene with determination): WE WILL HELP YOU!!  
  
[Scene area. All the STAFF take positions around ASHITAKA]  
  
STAFF: YI-AAH! YI- *  
  
ZAKI (offscreen): Yi-aah! Yi-aah!  
  
[All the staff rounds the dead boar, to the other side. ZAKI is pulling out  
of the tail of the wolf]  
  
ZAKI: Yi-aah! Yi-aah! (stops) Why do you look at me that way??  
  
=========================  
=========================  
  
  
[Cave scene. Outside shot. 'Zaki is givin' (unfruitful) orders]  
  
'ZAKI: All right, three, two, one... ACTION!  
  
[MORO is above the cave, waiting for ASHITAKA to come out]  
  
MORO: ...  
  
[Time passes by...]  
  
MORO: ??  
  
[Moans begin to come out from the cave :-)]  
  
ASHITAKA & SAN: *AAH* *OOH, MORE...* *YEAH, AHAH, LIKE THIS* *MMMH, AAAH,  
YEAH* *AH,HAH,HAH,HAHH*  
  
[Staff area]  
  
HISASHI: ...  
  
MERA: ... And what song do you want me to sing here ? "Sexual healing" ?  
  
HISASHI: Aw, shuddup.  
  
[Everybody's stunned. 'Zaki buries his face in his hands for  
a long time. To his left, Joe Hisashi pokes him with a stick, to check  
if he's still alive. 'Zaki suddenly gets up from his chair (scaring Joe  
out of his pants) and walks into the cave, taking the shotgun...]  
  
'ZAKI: You sonofabitches won't ruin my career...  
  
[Time passes by...]  
  
ASHITAKA, SAN & 'ZAKI:  
  
*AAAH* *YEAH YEAH YEAH* *OH YEAH, LIKE THIS* *C'MON, DO IT AGAIN* *AH AH AH*  
*DAMN ASHITAKA, THAT'S _MY_ ASS*  
*OH SORRY*  
  
*AAAH* *YEAH YEAH YEAH* *OH YEAH, LIKE THIS* *C'MON, DO IT AGAIN* *AH AH AH*  
*ASHITAKA! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!*  
* (ASHITAKA WITH SLIGHTLY FEMENINE VOICE) AWWW...C'MON...*  
  
FX: *sha-clack!* *BLAMM!*  
  
SAN & ZAKI: *AAAH* *YEAH YEAH YEAH* *OH YEAH, LIKE THIS* *C'MON, DO IT AGAIN*  
*AH AH AH*  
  
[Outside shot. MORO is asleep. Everybody's still stunned]  
  
[Time passes by. Finally SAN and 'ZAKI come out from the cave,  
tired and outstretching, and sit at the far end of the stone, watching  
the cool landscape. 'ZAKI pulls out a box of cigarrettes and offers  
SAN]  
  
[Front shot of 'ZAKI and SAN, smoking. Behind them, MORO is awake,  
watching them curiously]  
  
SAN: Well, I hope you've healed a bit.  
  
ZAKI: What do you mean??  
  
SAN: Well... you know... Nausicaa, Fio at "Porco Rosso", Kiki...  
  
[SAN slaps his back]  
  
SAN: I think you have some kind of sexual fixation with short haired girls.  
  
ZAKI: WHA?? THAT'S NOT TRUE!!  
  
SAN: Really? Can you show me a photo of your wife and family...?  
  
ZAKI: Ugh.  
  
[ZAKI visualizes a short haired wife and two short haired girls.]  
  
ZAKI: Aw, shuddup. You know dude?  
  
SAN: What?  
  
'ZAKI: I think that... "I'm doing some more films LIKE THIS" :-)  
  
  
=====================================  
=====================================  
  
  
FINAL NOTES: THE TIMES TO COME  
  
  
THE PRINCESS MONONOKE MOVIE...  
...became a must-have for all anime otakus, and an universal symbol for  
pacifists all around the world. Great Mahatma Ghandi has said about it:  
"I'm dead, you liar." (Ahem, well, yeah, so what??)  
  
THE "MAKING-OF" PRINCESS MONONOKE...  
...became a must-have among snuff movies addicts, and his director, HAYAO  
MIYAZAKI, was condemned and jailed into the Disney Factory's Too Talented  
Japanese Anime Directors Reformatory. The world-famous psychiatrist  
Dr. Hannibal Lecter has said about it: "That guy you sent to interview me  
was very juicy... chup chup." (sigh)  
  
THE IRON TOWN MEN EXTRAS...  
...after all the "woman rules" stuff in the movie, got traumatized and formed  
a therapy group, the International Association for Humilliated Men.  
  
TOGUSA...  
...finally realized that he had just proceeded systematically to laugh at some  
of the scenes which more emotionally impacted him, trying not to seem too  
sensitive, fearful of others' criticisms. So, he finally decided to keep his  
enthusiasm for himself, and to put up with this fic.  
  
Hope you enjoyed it.  
Togusa. 


End file.
